Fuzzynuts Strikes Back

Monkeys throw poop, squirrels
throw nuts, nuts are harder.

What you are about to read is totally true, and.…totally nuts. There used to be a huge squirrel that I would always see sitting in a tree near where I worked. I would see him every day when I’d drive under his tree on the way to pick up some lunch. I named him Fuzzynuts since he was fuzzy and always eating walnuts in the tree. I would see Fuzzynuts a few times a week. He was a squirrel that liked to live on the wild side. Fuzzynuts must have been an adrenaline junky. He liked to run back and forth across the street, dodging traffic and causing drivers to swerve and slam on their breaks. Most days I would drive by slowly just in case the uber-rodent decided to run in front of my car. One day I was in a hurry to get lunch and make a meeting. Needless to say as I drove by his tree Fuzzynuts ran in front of my car. There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t react fast enough and ran him over, or so I thought. On the way back from lunch I could see his big fat tail in the road. A few days later I was doing my usual lunch routine. It was a nice spring day so I had the sunroof open. I drove past the tree where Fuzzynuts used to reside. I heard a thump on the car. A walnut had fallen from the tree and hit the hood of my car. I didn’t think much of it, a walnut fell from a walnut tree and hit my car. It probably happens all the time, right? I drove under the tree on the way back to work and BONK! A walnut “fell” from the tree, through my open sunroof, and nailed me right on top of the head. I kept driving and rubbed the lump on my head. It was a pretty big goose egg. I glanced up into my rearview mirror. There, in the tree, was a tail-less squirrel staring me down. It was Fuzzynuts, the now tail-less squirrel! He had survived! Now some may say that everything was sheer coincidence. I beg to differ. To this day, I still think it was angry squirrel exacting his revenge on the person that had taken his tail.