A Beloved Member Reappears

Dave circa the late 70's

Every one of us has one of those special friends or relatives that seems to always come up with something off the wall and outrageous. That person for me has been a friend or relative named Dave (left ambiguous not to incriminate). There have been many “Dave-isms" over the years. The following is one of the cleaner ones that was shocking and caught my wife off guard a few years back.

We were at my parent’s house, sitting on the deck in deep conversation. Strange discussions are abundant when the Wild Turkey Rare Breed (yes, Rare Breed, not the low octane stuff) is a-flowin. Dave is a bigger guy like me. He had been dieting, following one of those “you’ll lose weight but you’ll clog your arteries” all-protein diets. He was dropping pounds at a pretty steady rate, and it was very visible from the last time we saw him. We got to hear about how awesome it was to eat all the steak, bacon, and other various carnivorous delights and lose weight doing it. Then Dave stated “I did some calculating and at my current rate of weight loss I believe my penis is scheduled to reappear in mid-August.” Now how do you respond to that? We didn’t know either. Before we could volley something back he patted his belly and added “Everyone needs a good roof over their head but (still patting his belly) this one I am ok with getting rid of.“

A few months later I called Dave to make some plans to meet up with him during a summer excursion. Yes, I did venture to ask if there was a sighting. All I got was a belly laugh in return. Just like the world will never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop, the world also will never know if Dave’s prediction came through.