A Letter to my Crackberry

Kill your Crackberry

before it kills you!

Dear Crackberry,

F-you! I didn’t want you but you eventually found me. You were once annoying but you are now the lifeline to my work life and all things electronic. Both of my thumbs now ache from constantly using and abusing you. You have stupid games that numb my mind and entertain my kids. I carry you in my front pocket and you decide to vibrate or ring at the most inopportune times….like when I am taking a leak. It scares the crap out of me every time. Never fail….I’m peeing and you’re going off. When it happens, I think “why is my junk ringing and vibrating?….Oh wait, it’s just you Crackberry…you got me again.” I can’t take a crap without checking my email. I need to change my email signature to state “sent from my Crackberry while sitting on the middle stall crapper.”  Actually the phone should do that for me….it is a smart phone right? Somehow it knows when I’m peeing, it should know when I’m on the can, in the shower, watching a movie…..whatever the most inopportune time may be. You get stuck deep in my pocket and start going off when I am driving. You drive me insane to the point where I have to check your latest updates. I finally get you out of my pocket after swerving all over the road then you stop. Do you have a death wish? I do not. Is old age getting to you? Have you reached that magic age of six months, you know the age of obsolescence for all things electronic? Tell me if you’ve had enough living, I’ll step on you and put you out of your misery. I’ll stomp your miserable QWERTY keys out of your sorry USB port hole. Thanks to you and your kind I have learned to read and type the language of illiterate idiots, yes you know…..texting. I can now check the scores of my favorite team and the teams I hate, if I have signal that is. For some reason, I can stand right next to the cell phone tower and you have no bars. I can be in B.F.E. and you work like a champ. What the hell Crackberry? So I drop you, let my kids and dog play with you, and constantly scroll your trackball,  is that reason to treat me this way? I think not. I have now become addicted to your technological delights….and what do I have to say to this?…..”F-you Crackberry!, F-you indeed!”

Warmest Regards,  

Your Addicted Owner