J and K Go to Taco Bell



Thank you, please drive thru...



Every college student at one point during their studies has an epic experience related to finding food in the middle of the night. This is one such story, one of legend and lore, that makes me smile every time I think of it.

It was a Friday night, like most Friday nights at most colleges and universities throughout the country. We were at the bar feeding our stomachs with the standard weekend liquid diet of beer, liquor, and maybe a little water mixed in. It was getting late, and the bar tender yelled “last call.” Then a little later we heard “get the hell out, we’re closed!” So we all headed out the door to sober up and get some shut eye. My buddy J and I starting walking back to our apartments.  We didn’t make it very far before the hunger hit. (My last name starts with K, hence the use of “K” for the stuff I said.)

K: “Dude, you hungry? I’m really fucking hungry”

J:  “Very, you want to snag some food?”

K: “Look, Rally’s is still open, well; at least the lights are still on.”

J: “I’m game, let’s go.”

We walked a few blocks and arrived at the front door of the restaurant……….

J: “Open the door, damn it!”

K: “Shit, it’s locked! The sign says the lobby closes at 2:00 am.”

J: ”What do we do now?”

K: “The drive-thru is still open, let’s walk through it and get some burgers to go.”

We stumbled over to the menu board leading into the drive through and started to order, slurring every word that came out………

K: “Hello? We want to get some burgers….I want two cheeseburgers, large fry, and…..”

Rally’s Guy: “Wait a minute, you guys need to be in a car, you have to be in a car to get served in the drive –thru.”

J: “C’mon man, sell us some food, the two of us are as big as a car!”

K: “We weigh as much as a Miata!”

Rally’s Guy: “Seriously, I can’t serve you, go somewhere else so I don’t have to call the cops. Look, Taco Bell is open all night. Go across the frickin street, and let me help customers with cars.”

We looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and moved on to Taco Bell. We arrived at our last hope for food in the immediate vicinity and went in. The alcohol was really kicking in and it was getting harder to talk……….

K: “What you want?”

J: “I dunno, get me whatever you get.”

K: “I’m getting a nummer two comboooo.”

J: “That’s what your gonna get after eating here, a nummer two.  It’ll prolly smell jus like the food tooooo.”

Taco Bell Guy: “Can I take your order?"

K: Gimme me a nummer two wit sof tacsos, and two chill-chee burrtos, and….and ...and some nachooos with a shload of chee. Give him the saaaame thingy. Did that come out ok? I am reeeeeeely deeerunk”

Taco Bell Guy: “Two numbers two’s, two chilli –cheese burritos, and two nachos with extra cheese, is that right?”

K: “Yes, I’m perty sure that’s it.”

We stood at the end of the counter waiting on our food when J alerted me that someone was watching us by tapping my shoulder and pointing across the restaurant……….

J: “It’s an ocifer uh da law.”

K: “What are you talkin bout?”

J: “It’s a cop and he’s not lookin too happy.”

K: “Oh shit, act sober. Maybe he won’t notice us.”

We got out food and drinks and walked past the cop to find a seat. He was standing with his arms crossed and looked really pissed off. After we sat down he walked over in front of our table, crossed his arms, and stared us down while we ate.

J: “Good evening officer.”

Cop: “Yes it is.”

K: “Are you keepin the tacos and chalupas safe?”

J: “Dude! Shut your pie hole.”

Cop: “I suggest you finish your food and go home.”

We scarfed our food down as fast as we could. I don’t remember tasting the food since we ate it so fast. We had a hard time not laughing during the whole ordeal. Drunken giggles kept slipping out the whole time we ate. We finished our food, threw out our trash, and started walking towards the door. The only thing standing in the way was the cop.

K: “Good night officer.”

Cop: “Go home, one more word and I’ll arrest you for public intoxication.”

J: “Alright, alright, were leavin.”

K: “Thank you for the safe dining experience. A safe taco is a happy taco, and happy tacos taste good.”

So we ran for the border and headed home. We discussed Saturday’s plans on the way……..

J: “What do you want to do tomorrow? Go to the bar?”

K: “Sounds good. Maybe we should leave a little earlier so we can go talk to the drive-thru guy at Rally’s.”