Don’t be a Butt Hole Daddy

I'd like to hear the story of the
 origin of this street name.....

We were about two hours into the three hour drive home from my parents’ house and the kids started acting up. The portable DVD player had used up all of its kid-mesmerizing power. My soon to be three year old daughter was getting a little rambunctious. She starting kicking my wife’s seat then put her foot on the monitor hung on the back of the headrest. My wife yelled out “Stop kicking the seat and get your feet off of the monitor. If you do it again I’m taking it down for the rest of the trip!” There was complete silence out of my daughter for awhile then the questions from Turdette started flying (Turdette…..like Smurfette for those children of the 80’s, just with turd substituted for Smurf).
Turdette: “Where can I put my feet? Here? Can I put my feet on the seat?
My Wife: “No, keep them in front of your car seat!”
Turdette: “Can I put them on the arm rest?”
Me: “No, keep your feet down between Mommy’s seat and your seat!”
Turdette: “Can I put them on Mommy’s headrest?”
Me: “Do you know where I’m gonna put my foot if you don’t stop it?”
Turdette: “Where, Daddy?”
Me: “I’m gonna stick it where the sun doesn’t shine! Do you know where that is?”
Turdette: “In my butt hole?”
Me: “Yes! But don’t say that word! Where did you hear that word? A little kid shouldn’t be using that word!”
Turdette: “What word? Butt hole? Daddy don’t be a butt hole!”
Me: “Stop saying that! I don’t want to hear you say that anymore!”

By this time I was starting to giggle uncontrollably. She shouldn’t be saying “butt hole,” but it was getting pretty funny.

Turdette: “Daddy, why do you laugh when I say butt hole? Butt hole! Butt…..hole! BUTT HOLE!”

Me: “Sometimes you say something you shouldn’t but it makes me laugh.”
Turdette: “I like to make you laugh. You laugh funny! Butt hole!”
Me: “OK, OK, stop it. Enough with saying butt hole. I don’t want to hear it anymore!”
Turdette: “Why Daddy? Am I being a butt hole?”

At that time I lost it! The giggling turned to laughter. Then the barrage just stopped.

One of my areas for improvement as a parent is keeping a straight face when disciplining the kids. Sometimes the things they do or say need to be corrected but they are hilarious and make me laugh. It’s hard to make a point when you have an ear-to-ear grin on your face or are laughing when doing it! After I thought about it a while, I think she heard “butt hole” from me. Yes, I did call some driver that when he cut me off. I just assumed that the kids wouldn’t hear it since they were occupied by a movie. There is a lesson to be learned from this story for everyone, parents or not. The first three letters of assume are A-S-S. Sometimes making assumptions will make you look like an ass…..in this case…..a butt hole.