New Jersey Mystery Goo

What the hell is it?

We took a trip back east to see some relatives on my side of the family. Last year we discovered a Sesame Street theme park so rightly named “Sesame Place” in the greater Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area. We had a blast last year but were only there one day. We decided to go for two days this year to ensure that we were able to ride all the rides. My wife was pregnant so we took her younger sister along to help take the kids on rides at the park and get some exposure to eastern Pennsylvania.  My wife found a package deal for two days at the park and three nights in a local hotel. She booked everything and we were set. This go-around our hotel just happened to be in New Jersey, just across the border from Pennsylvania. 

We arrived at the hotel late the first night due to some confectionary sightseeing in Hershey….and yes, if you haven’t figured it out, that is where Hershey’s Chocolate is made. We checked in and went in to the room. Since having our first child, we developed the habit of getting a hotel room with a fold-out sofa sleeper. Since the kids have a natural ability to find the floor when they are sleeping (falling out of bed), we started taking out the mattress and putting it on the floor….to reduce their potential energy for you nerds out there. I had to take a major leak after a few hours in the car so I ducked in the bathroom. When I came out I found my wife and sister-in-law pointing to some brown goo on the couch mattress.

My wife waived to me “Come here a minute, check this out.” I looked at the goo and asked “Did someone shit on the bed?” It kinda looked like chocolate syrup dribbling down the backside of the mattress. My wife asked “What do you think it is?” I had no clue. There was really only one way to find out. I was feeling somewhat adventurous so I ran my finger through it so I could get a closer look and take a wiff. I looked at my wife and sister-in-law to find them gagging and trying not to vomit with my actions. Keep in mind, I played high school football…..we did a lot of gross things, so this didn’t really bother me. Parenthood also prepared me well. I’ve been crapped, pissed, and puked on (not as much as my wife) over the last 5 years of child rearing. My wife looked at me in disgust “What is it?” It had an aroma of Asian cuisine. I washed my hands and headed for the front desk.

I got to the desk and was greeted by the night attendant. “Can I help you sir?” asked the woman behind the counter. I proceeded to tell her “We were taking the mattress out of couch to put it on the floor and we found some dark brown goo on the backside of the mattress.” She looked at me and said “You can’t take the mattress out of the couch.” I was a little taken aback by the statement and looked her in the eye and said “The issue isn’t that I am taking the mattress out of the couch. The issue is that there is some brown gooey shit on the back of the mattress.” At this time the night manager came out from the back office.  I drug them down to the room and showed her the unwanted grossness. They asked me “What is it?” I once again looked at them in total befuddlement and said “I don’t really care. My kids aren’t sleeping on this.” The night manager spoke up “We’ll get you in a new room. Hold on a minute.” He ran down to the desk to get us set up then dropped off the new keys.

We grabbed our bags and moved to the new room. I ran out to the car to grab the remainder of the stuff. My wife and sister-in-law once again started getting the bed ready for the kids while I was gone. My sister-in-law removed an arm pillow only to find another surprise. There was a blue lace thong and an unused tampon tucked under the pillow. I got back from the car and was shown the next complimentary hotel gift. I threw the tampon in the trash, grabbed the undies, and once again headed for the front desk. Once again, the ladies were in disbelief that I touched the undergarments, and started laughing so hard they were squealing and tears were running down their faces.  I walked out the door and jumped on the elevator.

The elevator door opened in the lobby and I stepped out. The attendant looked at me with a look of trepidation. “Oh no! What now?” she asked. I held up the blue lace butt floss in her face. I blurted out “We had another gift in this room. This hotel has lots of surprises.” The night manager once again came out to greet me. I showed him the couch treasure. The attendant held out a trash can so I could throw the underwear out. I dropped them in and started walking away. The night manager yelled out “Please take a complimentary item from our grocery section.” I retorted “No thanks. It’s late and I’m beat. There’s been too much excitement since we arrived.” I heard the manager yell at the desk attendant something about how housekeeping was going to get an earful as I walked away.

Needless to say, our room looked pretty darn good the rest of the stay. Housekeeping kept things in order. The only other odd surprise was finding our kids’ pillow-pets in a compromising position on our return to the hotel room the following night. We never did figure out what the mystery goo was. As far as I know there is still brown mystery goo on the backside of the couch mattress of this specific hotel room. I do hope that they really did clean it up and didn’t just leave it for the next round of weary travelers who know the secret to keeping little kids from falling out of the hotel bed.