My Mucho Mexican Letdown

Authentic my ass!

I knew this day would come. When it finally did I was unpleasantly surprised. It started like every other Sunday. We went to church then to lunch. My parents were in town so we took them to our favorite local Mexican restaurant. This is one of those places that you would miss if you moved away, and you would definitely make it a place to eat at if you happened to be in town. We walked in and were seated quickly as usual. The waiter came by and we ordered the usual accompaniments for our nachos: queso (cheese) dip and guacamole. He brought back the guac and the bowl of hot melted cheesy goodness that we have loved since day one. I have had hundreds of conversations with my wife about what kind of cheese was in the dip. It tasted strangely familiar but we could never put our finger on it. I tried every type of Mexican melting cheese from the grocery and have never been able to figure out what was in the dip. We had a lengthy conversation about the cheese and my mom finally asked “Have you ever asked them what is in the dip?” We had contemplated asking many times but always thought it was some proprietary secret recipe. So I responded “I think it is some special mix of cheeses. I don’t think they’ll give away the family recipe.”

We finished our meal, paid, and headed for the door. My daughter was the first to start with “I have to pee!” Then my son chimed in “Me too.” My wife and I took our kids to their respective bathrooms to let them do their duty. Meanwhile my mom was talking to one of the managers and asked him about the cheese. When we came out of the restrooms she made the following statement about our favorite cheesy concoction.  She whispered “l know what the cheese is. Do you want to know?” My wife and I eagerly agreed not expecting to get the following answer. “It’s melted Land O’Lakes White American Cheese.” I just looked in disbelief. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. No! No! No! That can’t be it, really? You have to be shitting me! My mom retorted “I asked the guy and he said melted white American cheese. Then I asked if that was all.” He responded “We add our secret spices too.....just kidding! It’s just melted white American cheese.”

I went to the grocery as soon as my parents headed home to validate this wild ass claim. I bought the goods and returned home. I threw a hunk of cheese in the microwave until it was super hot. I took it out and tried it….SHIT! The guy was right! That was it! Land O’Fuckin Lakes White American Cheese! Days went by and I was still in disbelief.  How could this be? All these years we thought it was something extra special that this Mexican restaurant had made. No one in the restaurant speaks English as their native language and they have to use white American cheese? If I ever find some other restaurant item that I just have to know what it is, I will keep my mouth shut. Some mysteries are better left unsolved. Some time the truth hurts. Who would have thought that the secret ingredient in Mexican restaurant’s queso dip was white American cheese?

Does God Live in Amsterdam?

Sometimes you hear the strangest
things in church.

We went to church one Sunday and the priest gave his homily. He is an Indian gentleman (from India, not Native American) who seems to lose the meaning of things when translating his words of wisdom. This guy is usually a rambler and has perfected the art of going off on a tangent when speaking in public. Needless to say, if he’s running the show we’re guaranteed for thirty to forty-five minutes of non-linear nonsense. My mind usually wonders off pretty quickly and I definitely don’t pay as much attention as I should. My mind checked out at light speed this particular Sunday then WHOA NELLY! Hold on partners, what did he just say? He headed off on another tangent and the following statement flew out of his mouth: “The man knocking on a prostitute’s door is really looking for God. He is looking to fill the God hole.” “What? What did you just say? Oh no you didn’t! Did he really say that?” I agree the dude doing the knocking is looking to fill a hole but God is definitely not involved. He may be looking for a religious experience but not for the man upstairs. He had the right intent, I agree with that, but the delivery was just a little off. Then again, maybe God lives in Amsterdam? There are a lot of people looking for him there. The Red Light District seems to be a popular place. So maybe my mind is just permanently in the gutter. Maybe I’m still mentally thirteen. Either way, it’s still funny and is something you don’t hear in church every day.

Don’t be a Wise Ass

It really sucks to be outwitted
by your five year old!

My kids have the bad habit of leaving the doors open everywhere they go. Their grandfather, my father-in-law, gives them heck and always asks “Where you born a barn?” followed by “Shut the dang door behind you!” We didn’t think the kids paid any attention to him since the doors never seem to get shut. One day my wife and kids arrived home and once again the door between the house and the garage was left open by my son. She looked at him and asked a familiar question…..”Were you born in a barn?” followed by “Shut the dang door!” My son looked at her and retorted “Mom, Jesus was born in barn and he turned out ok.” Then he walked away. My wife was left speechless. She really hates when she gets zinged by our kids.

J Saves K’s Sister

Sometimes being friends with your
sibling's friends turns out to be like
having another brother or sister.

I was enjoying my undergraduate studies so much that I extended things out a few extra years. I technically had five senior years (for a grand total of eight years in undergrad). This meant that there would be some overlap between my sister and myself in college. We were five years apart so we hadn’t gone to school together since grade school. During my 2^nd senior year she decided to attend Ohio State and stay close to home.

Once she started school she started hangout out with my friends…..sometimes more often than I did because I always seemed to be working on one project or another. One Friday night I was busy with some sort of engineering project and I got a call from my buddy J. The phone rang and I picked it up.

Me: “Wassssupppppp!” (Like in the Bud Light commercials…..this was still popular at the time)

The voice on the other end was J

J: “Dude, you need to come get your sister. She drank a little too much and is dancing on the coffee table. I think she’s trying to take her shirt off.”

Me: “Shit……Ok, I’ll be over is a few. Can you talk her down from the table so she doesn’t fall off?”

J: “Yep, just hurry the hell up and take her drunk ass home.”

Me: “Ok, see you in ten minutes.”

So I put my shoes on, ran out the parking lot, and jumped into my car. I was more annoyed that anything at this point. I drove to J’s apartment and knocked on the door. A falsetto voice came from the other side: “Who is it?”

My immediate response was “Housekeeping, let me in damnit!”

The door opened and J was on the other side. He motioned to the kitchen with his thumb: “She’s back there. We finally talked her down and took her beer away. You need to take her drunk ass back to her dorm.”

So I walked over and grabbed my sister’s arm “Let’s go back to the dorm. You need to go to bed.”

Of course the “independent child” didn’t want to leave and thought she was in control.

She yelled “What the hell do you think you are doing? I am fine! You’re not my baby sitter!”

I looked at her and said “Apparently I am. Seems that you can’t handle your alcohol and are acting like a total moron. J called and said you shouldn’t be out and about. If you hang out with my friends you have to assume they will tell me when you’re doing stupid stuff. You’re being a stupid drunk and I’m taking you back to your dorm.”

So there was a little more resistance then we finally made it out the door. We walked down the sidewalk to my car and I opened the passenger door: “Get in the car and let me know if you have to puke. I don’t want the new tiger stripe seat covers (yes really, they matched the brown interior quite well) covered in regurgitated beer and whatever else you drank!”

I walked around to the driver side jumped in and started the car. As I went to put the car in drive I looked over to find my sister sitting on the sidewalk. “Hey, what are you doing over there?”

She looked at me and said “Can you just take me home so I can go to sleep?”

I started laughing: “You want me to start driving you home now? Do you not see an issue with this situation? Are you really that f’d up?”

She looked at me and slurred out “No, just drive to south campus…..why can’t I find the fucking seat belt?”

I looked at her and yelled “Hey dumbass! Do you realize you are not in the car? You’re sitting on the sidewalk! Seatbelts are usually inside the car. Get in so we can go.”

So my sister pulled herself into the car, shut the door, and we drove off. I walked her up to the dorm, shoved her in the door “Goodnight yo!” and started walking away.

She looked at me and said “Good night big brother buzzkill! Thanks for the ride.”

I headed back to J’s for a few beers before getting back to my project at home. Needless to say, going to college with my only sibling was fun. Just remember this if you are planning to attend the same college at the same time as one of your siblings…..sometimes you land up sharing friends and sometimes those friends turn out to be like another brother or sister looking out for your better interests in times of extreme stupidity. If you want to partake in anonymous stupidity go to another school.

Poopin Stool Perfection

The technology is out there.We can
make it better. It can be improved!

Did you ever notice that some toilets are more conducive to crapping than others? There seems to be a certain combination of size and shape that promotes optimal pooping. So when it comes to toilets….. size does matter. Many businesses have figured this out. I am convinced they put in tiny toilets on purpose so people are less prone to pop a squat and drop a deuce…..it makes things easier to clean. People just pee and move on their merry way. I would like to see some engineering efforts well spent on making a one-size-fits-all self-adjusting toilet. My ass is wider than average so I should have a bigger toilet, right? Wouldn’t it be cool to walk into the toilet stall, drop trow, and sit down on a perfect size can every time? Imagine a thrown fit for a king! The right height, bowl shape, seat contours…..the world would truly be a better place. The next time you are sitting on a coffee-can-sized, low-rider crapper just think of the possibilities. The next evolution of the toilet could be revolutionary! Here are some words to live by: Clear your ass and your mind will follow. A good pre-game dump works wonders before big events such as games, tests, and the big presentation at work. The daily dump can make or break your day. Shouldn’t it be pooping perfection every time?

Swap Meet

Being a parent is great.....
99% of the time.

I was driving to an appointment and passed a sign stating “Kid Swap and Sale”. It had a date, time, and location, no other details. Later that day my kids were misbehaving so I decided to take them there to see what I could get for my two monkeys. The people running the event were appalled that I thought I could trade in my kids. I was upset that I couldn’t swap them in for better behaved ones. Needless to say, the event was set up for kids to trade and sell their unwanted toys and sporting goods…..they should have explained the purpose a little better on the sign.

How to Get the Job

Kissing ass makes your breath
smell like shit! This is a wonder
product for all the brown-nosers.

I have looked for jobs off and on since completing my undergraduate studies. Every so often I get frustrated with my current place of employment and look to see what is available in the area. I consider myself marketable and a solid addition to any company looking to make things better. I have applied for many jobs only to find out that I was overlooked for someone who was a “better fit” and "better qualified". Living in a smaller community, I have run into various people who have been picked over me and all I can say is WTF? I have struggled with what it takes to get a job nowadays. I have come to the following conclusion…..quote me if you would like. It’s not what you know, what you’ve done, and what you can do; oh no, no, no, it’s all about who you know, whose ass you have kissed, and who you have screwed.

Will What Get Bigger?

What size is your soccer ball?

I was putting away some stuff in the garage and my 5 year-old son was helping me. Out of the blue he asked me the following question:  “Dad, will my balls get bigger as I get older?” Now how do you answer that question? I looked at him and responded “What? What are you talking about?” he just looked at me and said “I said my balls, will they get bigger as I get older?” I was still a little stumped. I finally asked him “What balls are you talking about?” He looked at me and said “Soccer balls Dad! Duh! You said I will play with a size 4 ball this year and go to a size 5 in a few years. The balls get bigger as I grow older.” Ahhhhhhh, I see. I looked at him and explained that as he gets older the soccer ball does increase in size a bit and shook my head and laughed. My son has the knack to constantly catch me off-guard with his inquisitiveness and this round of the perpetual interrogation was no different.  Needless to say, I was glad to finally get his question and the garage cleaned up.

Some Random Thoughts.....

I think I can, I think I can

I was surprised when I saw a sign at the gas station stating “free air”…..is this worse that the $1 air at other gas stations? The pump was broken so I went to another gas station. I put in four quarters and it didn’t work either. At least at the free pump I didn’t have to pay to get nothing.

I saw a sign that said “Slow Children at Play”….Why do the slow kids always get picked on?

If you are really good at putting a worm on a fishing hook does it make you a master-baiter?

From a geographical standpoint: If Iraq would invade Turkey from the rear would Greece help?.....stop laughing and go look at your atlas.

I saw a sign that said “Deaf Child Sound Horn”….. not sure what good this would do?

My history teacher in high school used to say “don’t be a dic…long pause…tator”. I just like to say don’t be a dick…..it’s a little more straight forward.

Crap, Poop, Dung, Dookie…..it’s all shit to me.

Read these words aloud: phuck, fuk, phuk, fuc, phuc….Doesn’t matter how it’s spelled…..it all sounds the same…..by the way, you have a potty mouth.  

I sent a picture to one of my friends….it was labeled "hot stuff". He thought it was going to be a naked chick, it was really a picture of all the different hot sauces I had in the house.

There is a road that crosses the Ohio Toll Road called Fangboner Road…..All I can say is “OUCH! “

People with “cottage cheese” butts shouldn’t wear tight white pants…..this looks like real cottage cheese.

If your shirt is so tight you look like a sausage with legs you should stay away from dogs.

There should be a size limit on crotch rockets….Super fat people shouldn’t ride them. It just looks like two wheels coming out of their ass.

“Your melons are nice.” “Your cucumber is so big.”…..comments that are ok to make in the produce section of the grocery store; outside of the produce area…..not so much.

Don’t be an April Fool! Fool!

Things may look the same but are
often not always what they seem.

I think most people know that April 1^st is synonymous with April Fool’s Day. I’ve played some pretty good jokes on people over the years. I’ve also been the butt of many jokes but it’s all in good fun. One of my most memorable gags was sprung on one of my direct-reports at work. There was a woman who worked for me in one of my early engineering jobs. She was what was called a Process Technician and helped me set up different pieces of equipment and processes throughout the plant. She was giving me a hard time about how messy my office always was and how I must have had “one million icons on the desktop of my computer”. We were always playing jokes on each other. I knew I had to come up with something good for April Fool’s Day so I could take the title of best prankster in the office. I was organizing my computer desktop when it hit me.

My assistant had a bad habit of not locking her computer when she was away from her desk. On the morning of April 1^st, she went to take a break and my diabolical scheme was implemented. I jumped on her computer and carried out the following actions as quick as possible. This is spelled out step by step in case you want to play this prank on one of your friends.

1)      I took a screen shot of her current desktop and saved it to My Documents (Shift+Print Screen).

2)      I opened the picture in Internet Explorer and right clicked on it.

3)      I scrolled down to “Set as desktop background” and clicked it.

4)      I right clicked the mouse on the desktop and went to “Properties”.

5)      Under properties I went to the “Background” tab and set the picture to “Stretch”.

6)      After the new picture was in place I created a “catch-all” folder to move all of her desktop icons into a central location.

7)       I renamed the folder to the same name as one on the desktop and placed it directly on top of the one set as the wallpaper background picture. Since her desktop was as messy as mine it was easy to set up the remainder of the prank.

8)      Everything was now set. The desktop appeared the same when she got back from break…….she just couldn’t click on anything on the desktop except for the “catch all” folder that was well hidden.

Total chaos ensued when she got back from break. I asked her if she could send me a file I was looking for to set the prank into action. She started clicking on the desktop folder but it wouldn’t open.  She tried other folders…..no luck. She started yelling at the computer and restarted it. She looked at me and said “I think the frickin computer locked up so I had to restart it. I’ll send you the file in a minute.”

So the computer restarted and somehow I kept calm, I was laughing hysterically on the inside. She tried to click on the folder again and no luck. I walked over and looked at the computer to “try to help her out”. I mysteriously couldn’t figure it out either. I recommended she call the IT guy and have him look at it. So she called the IT guy and he showed up ten minutes later. The IT guy looked at her computer, clicked on a few things, hit it a few times, and restarted it…..still no luck. He looked at my assistant and said “I think I’ll have to set everything up again and reinstall all the programs to fix this. I hope you didn’t have anything important saved on it.” Things started to get ugly at this point so I let the cat out of the bag. A day or two later my assistant started talking to me again. She was still pissed, but then again I was still laughing at her. BAZINGA!

J and K go to the Auto Show

Yes Virginia, two 300 pound men can
fit in a Mazda Miata.....kinda sorta.

Back in my undergrad days, my buddy J and I went to the local auto show to check out the latest and greatest cars for 2001. We were somewhat disappointed due to the lack of concept cars and the lack of the “oooh and ahhh” attractions of the bigger auto shows around the country. We walked around a bit, trying cars on for size. Now keep in mind, we were each 6-foot-something and around 300 pounds. We made it out of the domestics and made it to the imports. We went through the Acuras, Hondas, Toyotas, and landed up at the Mazda display. We looked at the Miata and couldn’t resist. We started to head for the car and I noticed that one of the stuffed-shirt salesmen was watching our assault on the overgrown Barbie car. He tried to head us off at the pass but we got there before him. We opened the doors and got in.

The car dropped a few inches. We looked like two sardines. My knees were wrapped around the steering wheel and J’s were smashed into the glove box. The salesman looked at us and firmly stated “You guys need to get out of the car! You’re going to break something.” J and I looked at each other and laughed. I looked at the salesman and said (with an ear to ear shit-ass grin) “I’m interested in buying one of these.” He looked at us a little perturbed and raised his voice “You guys need to get out, the joke is over!” I looked at him “Dude, I am serious about the car. Can you help us put the top up?” He begrudgingly assisted in our torturing of the oversized toy. We got the top up. Both of our heads were poking into the canvas roof. It had to look a little like a pair of boobs or ears to the passers-by. J put his camera on the dash and took a picture of us for posterity.

We put the roof back down and tried to get out. By this time, a small crowd had gathered around the car to see the “two big guys in the little car.” We quickly found we were stuck. Our lower bodies were so crammed into the car that we couldn’t fit our hands between our legs and the door far enough to reach the handles. We had to stick our hands out the windows to reach the outside handles to finally get out. We finally escaped the grasp of the Miata and were met with a round of applause. We waved at our instant fan club and moved on. We watched the salesman run over to the car and give it a good once over as we walked away. Next up was the Nissan Z. More of the same feats of contortionism and suspension testing took place as we wrapped up our trip to the auto show. The Mazda salesman was the only A-hole in the bunch.