Let Me Translate This for You

Some people's heads are so far
up their asses that they need a
proctologist to dislodge it.

I find myself saying things I never thought I would say to my children as they get older. The hardest part is keeping it G-rated. Kids do stupid things (yes, I do too but I’ve gotten a little better as I have gotten older…..really). Both my kids have a bad habit of running into things that are right in front of them. It seems like every day one of them is running into something like the coffee table, the foot stool, the wall, the toilet, whatever the inanimate object, they have ran into it. One weekend my five year old son ran through the living room and right smack into the side of the leather ottoman (that has been in the same spot for two years now). There were instant tears and “That thing hurt my leg!” came rolling out of his mouth between sniffles and gasps. I looked at him and said “Hey! You need to be aware of your surroundings. That foot rest has been there for a long time. It’s not like it just jumped out in front of you.” A few hours went by and “Wham!” he ran into it again and the tears started rolling down his cheeks. “I hate that thing. It’s always in the way.” I looked at him shaking my head and watched him run into his bedroom screaming at the top of his lungs. I walked in and sat on the bed and once again said “Look buddy, you need to be aware of your surroundings. You can’t go running through the house like a lunatic. You need to pay attention to what is in front of you so you don’t run into things.” He looked at me and said “OK, I’ll try to pay more attention when I’m walking through the house.” I left his room and headed to the kitchen for a drink. A few minutes later “Kaboom!” he ran into the coffee table. By this time I had reached my fill. I walked into the living room one more time to remind him to be aware of his surroundings only to find him hitting the coffee table yelling “The stupid thing hurt my other leg!” I looked at him and echoed my previous two lectures “Hey! You need to be aware of your surroundings. It’s hard to see what’s in front of you when your head is stuck where the sun doesn’t shine.” He looked at me and asked “What does that mean? Where doesn’t the sun shine?” I shook my head and said “You just need to be aware of what’s around you so you stop hurting yourself.” Then I walked away to let my comments simmer in his head.  So remember…..kids do stupid things but you need to keep it age appropriate when correcting them. Sometimes you just can’t tell them “You need to get your head out of your ass!”…..no matter how bad you want to. “You need to be aware of your surroundings!” will have to suffice.