Daddy, I Have a Request.....

My Little Princess likes to listen
to the Prince of Darkness

We were driving to the store one weekend and out of the back seat I heard “All aboard! Ha ha ha haaaa! Ay, Ay, Ay,” I looked at my wife in shear amazement. A few seconds later I heard “I’m going off the rails on this crazy train.” echoing out of my 3 year old daughter’s mouth. What the heck? I looked at my wife and asked “Is that what I think it is? She’s singing Ozzy? Where did she pick that up?” My wife explained to me that she had heard it on the radio one day and really liked it. Somehow both of my kids found the song humorous since they are told they are driving us crazy all the time. The following weekend we were once again driving around and I heard “Daddy, can you put on Crazy Train?” come from the back seat. I looked in the rear view mirror and said “Baby, I don’t have Crazy Train so it’s going to be hard to listen to it.” She responded “Turn on the radio, put it on there.” I continued to try to explain to her that I couldn’t just turn it on but she persisted. We were close to Best Buy so I ran in and picked up Ozzy Osbourne’s Greatest Hits. I popped the CD in the stereo and turned it up. “All aboard!” came barreling out of the speakers and my daughter started to rock out. My little head-banger in the back seat sang along with the chorus and was rocking back and forth until the song stopped. When it was over I heard “Daddy! Play it again! Play it again!” We listened to it a few more times and then my little crazy train ran out of steam. She conked out and we listened to some other music. I know someday that she will start listening to that teenie-bopper crap, but for now I’m going to enjoy her most likely short lived love of “Daddy’s music”. I am glad to see my daughter shares in my love of rock and roll…..for the time being. I’m ok with her listening to Ozzy but I hope she doesn’t try to bite the heads off of any bats or small rodents. 

The Final 10%

Moving sucks.

We were getting ready to move to our new home. I was having a conversation with my boss about the ensuing move and how much of a pain in the ass it was going to be. He made a comment that stuck with me and it echoed through the entire move. He said “It always seems to be that last 10% of the move that drags on forever. You just hit the wall and it seems like the move will never end. You eventually get done but it seems to take an eternity to do it.” We were only moving a short distance away to a larger house. The amount of stuff we had accumulated over the seven years in the old house had grown to the point that we had a lot of it in a local storage unit…..which was creepy in its own special way, but that is a different story. Moving day came, and we started the migration to the new pad. We moved, and moved, and moved some more but the sheer volume of stuff didn’t seem to go down. A few days later we were nearing the end…..we reached the final 10%. He was right. It was “Smack!” right into the Great Wall o’ Moving Monotony. It seemed like the remaining few items were multiplying like rabbits. It wouldn’t go away. One trip, two trips, three trips, still not done, still more stuff and me wanna go home! What I thought would take a few trips turned into five but eventually it was done and the moving day version of Groundhog Day came to an end. The final 10% was definitely the worst part of the move. It seemed like an eternity while we were moving but looking back it didn’t take that long. I know it’s not possible but the boxes really seemed to multiply as we reached the end of the move. Once we got everything moved the unpacking began. We reached the final 10% of the boxes to unpack and those began to multiply as well. Either way you slice it, whether packing, moving, or unpacking, the final 10% always seems to suck.

Let Me Translate This for You

Some people's heads are so far
up their asses that they need a
proctologist to dislodge it.

I find myself saying things I never thought I would say to my children as they get older. The hardest part is keeping it G-rated. Kids do stupid things (yes, I do too but I’ve gotten a little better as I have gotten older…..really). Both my kids have a bad habit of running into things that are right in front of them. It seems like every day one of them is running into something like the coffee table, the foot stool, the wall, the toilet, whatever the inanimate object, they have ran into it. One weekend my five year old son ran through the living room and right smack into the side of the leather ottoman (that has been in the same spot for two years now). There were instant tears and “That thing hurt my leg!” came rolling out of his mouth between sniffles and gasps. I looked at him and said “Hey! You need to be aware of your surroundings. That foot rest has been there for a long time. It’s not like it just jumped out in front of you.” A few hours went by and “Wham!” he ran into it again and the tears started rolling down his cheeks. “I hate that thing. It’s always in the way.” I looked at him shaking my head and watched him run into his bedroom screaming at the top of his lungs. I walked in and sat on the bed and once again said “Look buddy, you need to be aware of your surroundings. You can’t go running through the house like a lunatic. You need to pay attention to what is in front of you so you don’t run into things.” He looked at me and said “OK, I’ll try to pay more attention when I’m walking through the house.” I left his room and headed to the kitchen for a drink. A few minutes later “Kaboom!” he ran into the coffee table. By this time I had reached my fill. I walked into the living room one more time to remind him to be aware of his surroundings only to find him hitting the coffee table yelling “The stupid thing hurt my other leg!” I looked at him and echoed my previous two lectures “Hey! You need to be aware of your surroundings. It’s hard to see what’s in front of you when your head is stuck where the sun doesn’t shine.” He looked at me and asked “What does that mean? Where doesn’t the sun shine?” I shook my head and said “You just need to be aware of what’s around you so you stop hurting yourself.” Then I walked away to let my comments simmer in his head.  So remember…..kids do stupid things but you need to keep it age appropriate when correcting them. Sometimes you just can’t tell them “You need to get your head out of your ass!”…..no matter how bad you want to. “You need to be aware of your surroundings!” will have to suffice.   

Thank You Sir, May I Have an Udder?

Moo!

We took the kids to one of those “working farms” one fall weekend. We got to learn all about the fun stuff our ancestors got to do on the homestead of yesteryear. They had quite a menagerie of farm animals…..goats, pigs, cows and the like. As we were walking around my 5 year old son abruptly stopped. I heard a gasp of surprise and turned around to find him with one hand over his mouth and the other arm fully extended with his index finger pointed at the barnyard. I said “Hey, What? What’s the deal?” He lowered his hand and exclaimed “Dad! Look! That cow has four penises!” I responded “Buddy, that’s a lady cow.” He retorted “OK, that lady cow has four penises!” I started laughing and put my arm around his shoulder and said “No, buddy, remember that girls don’t have a penis.  Those are udders. That is where the milk comes out.” He looked at me in utter amazement and said “Oh, OK, It’s hard enough to aim one of those, I couldn’t imagine four.”