Wal-Mart Scares the Crap Out of Me

Welcome to Wal-Mart.....Have a nice day!

I ran to the local Wally-World one Sunday morning to pick up some things for breakfast. I jumped in the car, drove on the “highway to hell,” aka the road to Wal-Mart, and pulled in the parking lot. I hadn’t pooped for two days leading up to the IQ-dropping excursion and my stomach was starting to hurt. I walked up to the door and “Welcome to Wal-Mart” came from behind a row of carts in the entrance way. From behind the carts, the real life personification of the school bus driver from South Park garbed in a blue Wal-Mart vest popped up and waved and smiled as I walked in. The ambush made me jump. I muttered my usual cocktail of curses, grabbed a cart, and moved on. As I set foot across the threshold to ignorance and stupidity, I felt something move in the nether-regions of my stomach and had the uncontrollable urge to drop a deuce. I high-tailed it to the restroom, made my deposit, and continued on my morning adventure. I made it through the store in record time and got the heck out of Dodge without any significant loss of brain power. Wal-Mart figuratively scares the crap out of some people…..it literally scares the crap out of me.

Zoo Whiz

Birds of a feather often pee together.

Some of my family was in town for the weekend. We decided to take them to the zoo for the annual Halloween festivities and do something to entertain my two kids and nephew. We paid ten bucks a kid and got a couple handfuls of Tootsie Rolls coupled with minimal access to the zoo attractions. The kids were able to dress up and trick-or-treat around the grounds. We took them from stop to stop for a total of nine treat stations…..to my dismay there were no tricks. Most of the animals were packed away for the winter but for some reason the zoo was overrun with peacocks. They were every-frickin-where! There were peacock feathers and peacock poop all over the place. We were heading out and I had to take a leak. I walked in the men’s room, did my business, zipped up, and turned around. As I turned my head, something uber-colorful caught my eye. I turned around and holy-feathered-shit! There was a peacock with feathers fully fanned out in the men’s room. The bird was blocking the door and I wasn’t sure what the heck to do. I barked at it, whistled, stomped my foot, walked toward it, and all it did was defiantly push up its chest in protest. I started to clap my hands together as loud as I could and it started to turn around. The fanned feathers went down and the peacock walked out of the restroom. I walked out behind it and caught up with the rest of the family. I think peacock is misspelled after the pee-house odeal. The spelling should be peecock…..it still sounds the same but is more representative of the bird I ran into in the zoo men’s room.