Dude, Just Use Your Hand!

Sometimes you just have to go
back to the old stand-by.

Several years back we were expecting our first child. Like most first time parents-to-be we went to a series of birthing classes. The one night in class they showed us a video of the birth of a child. After showing us a little bundle of joy springing forth from some woman’s nether-region and scaring the shit out of most of  us in the room they moved on to talking about having sex after child birth. The instructor proceeded to tell us, by us I mean mostly the men in the crowd, that there would be no hibbidy dibbidy for six weeks after the birth of our child. After the instructor made the comment about the horizontal hula hiatus I heard a male voice from the back of the room say “I wanna have a big family. I don’t know if I can wait six weeks. Honey, we ain’t gonna wait that long.” I turned around to find the epitome of a Wally-World shopper continuing to run his mouth. The instructor informed him that his wife needed time to heal but he kept flapping his jaws and insisted that they couldn’t wait. Then I looked at him and said “Hey buddy! Just use your hand for a while…..you’ll get by.” He just looked at me with a stupefied blank stare and said “Whaaaaaat?” I glared at him and said “Just beat off….that’s what I meant by using your hand. Choke the chicken. Spank the monkey. Flog the dolphin. Tame the one-eyed monster. Rub one out. I don’t care what you call it, just shut up.” The instructor’s mouth dropped. She was shocked by comments but I think she was a little thankful as well. The NASCAR clad moron didn’t say a word the rest of the night and disappeared from our class thereafter. His wife still showed but there was no sign of the horny hillbilly.